Contrast

My MRI with contrast came back showing no tumors, as I mentioned in yesterday's post. I will need to go back in another 6 months to have another one done to make sure there still aren't tumors.

My mood today has been one of extreme contrast too. I'm happy there are no tumors, but I have anxiety about what is going on with me.

I wish I knew the cause, especially when my medicine wears off and I start the jolts/spasms/twitches all over again. I'm tired today.

But, I don't think I'm supposed to know the cause yet or I would already know it. Trust. I must tell myself to trust. Trust God. Trust the doctors. Trust my own knowledge of my limitations.

Of course, I saw contrast a lot today too. The following were from my drive home. I left work somewhat early because today is my husband's birthday.

Today's lesson, I think, is patience. I'll know when I'm supposed to know. In the meantime, I'll just need to learn to weather it out.

The other lesson is that I can't ignore God anymore. He's everywhere. I ran away from Him for a long time. But, as these images show, He's made Himself hard for me to ignore. I felt like the sky was opening up with brightness. I had to pull my car over to watch. The tug at me was too strong to continue driving without stopping.

Peace and hugs,
Jen

The Sun Sets on My Anxiety Over Some Things

I found out today that I don't have tumors in my cervical spine.

Yay! This was a, "just in case," MRI. Now, I just get to go back in 6 months to make sure I STILL don't have tumors and that this is a so called incidental find that I have fluid inside my spine where it is not supposed to be.

Amen.

Can I Trust This?

Today and yesterday, I feel semi-normal. I haven't had spasms. I haven't had jolts. I've only had minor pain and sleepiness from my medication. My medication dose recently has been increased, and the yellow smiley face stress ball has been helping to distract me when I do have pain. I can focus on something other than random sensations in my body by focusing on sensations I'm creating.

Can I trust this?

I feel like I shouldn't be asking the question, but I can't help myself. Can I actually feel normal again?

Live today. I keep telling myself this.

I worked long days midweek and so was unable to write. Check out the sunset I saw on Wednesday:

And the one I saw on Thursday:

I can trust sunsets. I know what they are and how they will be behave. They are fiery but predictable. Beautiful but ever changing. Perhaps this thing that is happening to me is like this. Predictable yet ever changing.

Today, I feel like me, and I like it.

Tomorrow is another day, and I'll make myself wait to experience it when it comes. I will continue to look for the sun as it rises and sets. Of this I can be sure.

Peace and hugs,
Jen

Round Things are Good

I like this picture because it pretty much sums up the last month of my life. Lots of electricity, lots of fire, and lots of trying to keep myself centered, bright, sunny, and aligned.

Last night, I went to the store. I purchased a CD as an impulse buy and was all excited about it. It has been ages since I have bought a CD, both because of the advent of mp3s and because of life happening. I was excited to put it into iTunes and whatnot and then I stopped dead in my tracks.

In order to put the CD into iTunes so I could share the disk with my hubby but still have it in iTunes, I would have to eject the disk of my MRI showing my spine. I have ejected the MRI disk before. I took it to chiropractor, for example, and I will take it to the neurologist tomorrow to discuss it in detail, but I froze. Could I stop obsessing about the black and white pictures that have put a reason behind the tingling, pins and needles, spasms, ticks, pain, and sleepless nights long enough to put the new music into iTunes?

I ended up just taking the music CD into my car and called it a time crunch to go visit my friend who lives an hour away and has dogs and cats she offered up for me to pet. They do make me feel better. I recommend pet therapy.

I still have the CD of my MRI in my laptop, but since I have to take it out in order to bring it with me to the neurologist appointment tomorrow, I'm going to chew on this tonight. Stop obsessing over the damn pictures of my spine.

But how?

Since today was a good day, I'll try to stop obsessing by thinking about the fact that I only had tingling and pain. No electric jolts. No spasms. No ticks. I was able to go and visit my friend and then go and visit my family tonight. I heard some live music by way of a dear family member. I forgot about the disk for most of the day. I will try to do the same tomorrow.

Breathe.

Live and just breathe. I will tell myself this and hope it sticks like gum on the bottom of a sneaker minus the fuzzy stuff that inevitably gets picked up on the bottom of my shoe along the way.

Peace and hugs,
Jen