Watching and Waiting

My life has been incredibly busy these past few months due to a dear family member who had been ill. It took a comment from a reader of this blog for me to realize that I hadn't updated in a long, long time.

An update on what has happened since I found out about my syrinx:

I started having crazy jerking motions all the time preceded by strange, strange sensations. The neurologist finally figured out I had herniated disks in my neck and sent me to physical therapy. The PT cured the pain.

The docs didn't know what was causing all of the jerking motions my neck, chest, and legs were doing. They ran a bunch of tests and determined that I wasn't having seizures. 2400 mg of gabapentin and 30 mg of baclofen per day have made the jerking motions manageable.

I no longer have hundreds of them a day. They are called myoclonic jerks, and are harmless. They make me tired when I have them, but are not anything more than a hassle now.

The biggest news is about the syrinx. I had my 6 month MRI, and it hasn't gotten any bigger. The neurosurgeon said that it isn't big enough to be a concern, but that he wants me to have another MRI in a year. In fact, in this most recent MRI, the syrinx didn't show up in most of the MRI views like it had in the MRI I had six months ago.

My vantage point is becoming clearer now that I have found some relief. I'm hoping the fog continues to lift.

Some Things Still Don't Make Sense

Some things still don't make sense. I have no clue why my spasms have come back and why they are so frequent. It scares me because I don't want a spasm to somehow make my syrinx bigger. Or, I don't want to give myself whiplash and make my whole bulging disc issue hurt like crazy again. My pain has been managed already in that regard, and I don't want for it to happen all over again. I'm thinking that maybe the reason I was hurting so badly before was that I was having a bunch of spasms in my sleep and gave myself whiplash. Maybe.

I have another neurologist appointment on Monday the 15th of August, so hopefully I can get these jerky thingamabobbers figured out. Until then, I'm just going to be tired all the time. I'm sleeping through the night okay, but after I have a bunch of jerks, I get very tired for a few hours.

Some things don't make sense. This picture was taking outside Opryland in Nashville, TN.

And just when I am back to normal street signs yesterday, things didn't make sense again. This was a random subdivision in Hermitage, TN. Again, a sign I saw yesterday.

I hope to return to normal street signs soon!

Peace and hugs,

Jen

What Does It Mean For Life To Be Straight?

One often hears about the "straight and narrow." These trees are straight and narrow, yet they are all over the place. Today's thoughts are, of course, about my back. Was I really born with this syrinx or did it recently happen? Can I ever visit a chiropractor again? Can I make myself sit up straight in a chair? The physical therapist seems to think this is quite essential. The lumbar pillow I have is driving me nutty at work. I can't get used it it. Driving with it isn't too bad, but sitting at my desk all day with it at work is a challenge.

And then there is the important question. If I do all these things: the physical therapy, the medication, the posture stuff, etc., will these bizarre sensations ever stop? Will I ever be free of the anxiety that I'm going to have crazy muscle spasms?

I'm thinking that there is a lot to these things going on with me. Maybe I'll never know the answer. Maybe I'm not supposed to know the answer. Instead, I'll look to the design of these trees and reflect upon the very real possibility that I may have to just trust that everything will be okay. The situation with my body may never fully straighten out.

Shakes, No Shakes

This past weekend was very good in some respects and very difficult in other respects. Saturday was the day that was both the hardest and easiest. On one hand, my husband and I took a little day trip to eat out in Dickson, TN. On the other hand, my body decided to go haywire on me. I had several very strong spasms/jerks/jolts while I was eating out. This made me very tired. It caused 4 hours of shaking on my entire my left side after the jolts stopped.

I had been taking tons of pictures, but that stopped for the day.

There were things I wanted to do in Dickson that we didn't get a chance to do because I became much too tired to do much of anything. Walking from the one museum we went to back to our car was the proof to me that I simply needed to go home. Even sitting a cafe to drink a cup of decaf and talk to my hubby would have been too much.

The feeling of defeat at my own body is maddening.

But, it is humbling too. I have limitations. Sometimes they are placed where I expect them to be, and other times they are placed smack dab before me without any warning.

After the little day trip, I slept for almost 14 hours straight.

Today, I went to church, then to work for a few hours. I only worked for a fraction of the time I had expected to work. This was partly because I found lots of beautiful things to take in with my camera since my hands weren't shaking. It was also partly because I am still very, very tired.

I only had a handful of spasms/jolts today, but the ones I have had have made me stop and let myself become tired and not fight the fatigue.

So, this weekend's blog post is about the different moods I have been in. These are all pictures I took yesterday or today.

Peace and hugs,

Jen

P.S. I have been asked by a few people what model of camera I have. I take all of these pictures with my phone. I don't use a special camera. Just a Droid 1. Nothing with a zoom lens or anything. I simply take pictures of what I see around me with my phone.

Contrast

My MRI with contrast came back showing no tumors, as I mentioned in yesterday's post. I will need to go back in another 6 months to have another one done to make sure there still aren't tumors.

My mood today has been one of extreme contrast too. I'm happy there are no tumors, but I have anxiety about what is going on with me.

I wish I knew the cause, especially when my medicine wears off and I start the jolts/spasms/twitches all over again. I'm tired today.

But, I don't think I'm supposed to know the cause yet or I would already know it. Trust. I must tell myself to trust. Trust God. Trust the doctors. Trust my own knowledge of my limitations.

Of course, I saw contrast a lot today too. The following were from my drive home. I left work somewhat early because today is my husband's birthday.

Today's lesson, I think, is patience. I'll know when I'm supposed to know. In the meantime, I'll just need to learn to weather it out.

The other lesson is that I can't ignore God anymore. He's everywhere. I ran away from Him for a long time. But, as these images show, He's made Himself hard for me to ignore. I felt like the sky was opening up with brightness. I had to pull my car over to watch. The tug at me was too strong to continue driving without stopping.

Peace and hugs,
Jen

The Sun Sets on My Anxiety Over Some Things

I found out today that I don't have tumors in my cervical spine.

Yay! This was a, "just in case," MRI. Now, I just get to go back in 6 months to make sure I STILL don't have tumors and that this is a so called incidental find that I have fluid inside my spine where it is not supposed to be.

Amen.

Put Your Left Arm in and Shake it All About

I almost didn't have any weird shaking/spasms/jolts today. Almost. My body behaved for most of the day and then kind of went nutso later on. Strange, strange sensations. It's not quite the hokey pokey, but I had to laugh at these leaves. They are playing the hokey pokey for me.

Today's quest for beauty started with my job. These flowers are from the desk of my co-worker who sits next to me. Beauty is all around us, within us, and here to help us with our struggles. I love the color combination of these.

I went to physical therapy today. These are from outside the PT office. The manual traction felt good. I have a lot less pain after seeing her but still have the jolts.

The next few are from my cafe visit yesterday. I couldn't work them into yesterday's post.

And then there are the snails. I keep seeing them. This is today's snail. He got up on the rock and posed for me. Here's the conversation I had with the snail.

Me: "Man, oh man. I wish my spinal cord and whatnot would stop doing all this crazy stuff."

Mr. Snail: "Jen, at least you have a spine!"

Me: "Yeah, but I have all these bizarre sensations."

Mr. Snail: "Jen, I have to pull my house on my back everywhere I go. I don't have arms and legs. Give me a break, will ya? Don't complain, ok?"

Me: "You do have a point. Thanks, Mr. Snail."

Oh, the lessons to learn!

Peace and hugs,
Jen